刘晓伟老师—中考英语写作精彩点评与修改（二）
中考英语作文题二（同第一题，另一个学生写的。大家借鉴一下！）
五晚你父母都出去了，只有*和你在家，你在客厅里看电视而*在他屋里看报纸。突然你听到*屋里有什么动静，当你推*门，惊讶地发现*正躺在地上，失去了知觉。于是你立即拨打了120。*让*平躺，打开了窗户。就在这时医生来了。一位医生说你做的对，救了*的命。请根据提示以"an unforgettable night"为题，写一篇80字左右的短文。
i had a experience of *ing others to save his life. (i had an experience of saving one’s life.) it was my grandfather.
last friday, my dad and mom went out, only my grandfather and i being at home. (*好用状语从句代替几个简单句,可以改成: last friday, my parents went out when my grandfather and i were staying at home.) i watched tv at home and my grangfather read news* in his room. (时态有问题. 两个人同时做某事,可以用while引导的时间状语从句,可以改成: i was watching tv while my grandfather was reading news* in his room.) suddenly, i heard any strange sound from the room of my grandfather. (suddenly i heard a strange sound coming from the room of my grandfather.) i push the door and discovered my grandfather was lying in the ground, he already lose his consciousness. (1. 时态错误push 应该用pushed. 2.用词不当discover 表示”发现了存在了很久的东西”, 如果是这样的话, *早就归天了. 所以改成found 更好一些. 小词大词都有用, 关键是恰到好处. 3.后一个句子可以写成定语从句.who had lost his consciousness, 整句话可以改成: i pushed the door and found my grandfather lying on the ground, who had lost his consciousness.) i'm very nervous. then i called 120. (两个简单句不能用逗号“，”连接，可以合并句子：though nervous, i immediately called 120.) and *ed my grandfather lied well, i also opened the window. (合并句子：then i *ed my grandfather lie on the sofa and opened the window.) at this moment, the doctor arrived. he said i did well ,i saved my grandfather's life. (合并句子：when the doctor arrived, he praised for what i had done for my grandfather.)
by this matter, i have understood that i also could * people. (概括能力需要加强：i have learned from the accident that *ryone has the a*lity to * others if one tries to do so.)
晓伟点评：
总体写的不错，说一下急需改进的地方：
1.几个简单句意思表达比较零散，不如用复合句紧凑。
2.两个简单句不能用逗号“，”连接。
3.语法错误：时态前后不一致。
4.文章主题的概括能力有待加强。
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