day one
tuesday, june 15
__at high noon a large *ship floated gently down out of a blue sky to land on the front lawn of the white house. it rested motionless for the next five hours while the white house hummed with activity. the president was evacuated1 and then the military moved in with troops, tanks and helicopters. stealth fighters roared overhead. both congress and the united nations called emergency sessions as a frightened world held its breath.
at exactly 5:00 p.m. eastern time, a small door opened in the side of the craft and a human-like creature stepped out.
as beings go, it wasn't that alarming. about three feet tall, it had a large head atop a small body with two spindly legs. and there were feather-like appendages2 growing from its head as well as from what could have been a tail if it were a *rd. but it moved like a human and wore a one-piece uniform of a gold metallic3 material that sparkled in the sun. walking to the nearest soldier, it stopped short, its two unnaturally4 large eyes blinking twice. then in perfect english with a high-pitched voice, it said, "take me to your esteemed5 leader."
after much military and political consternation6, the request was granted. standing7 before the president of the united states, who was seated at his desk in the oval office surrounded by half a dozen secret agents, the little being bowed. "president and chief commander, i humbly8 come to you as ambassador facilitator for an ancient and distinguished9 race. please realize that you're dealing10 with beings of such power that their purpose must be friendly or you'd have already been destroyed in my humble11 estimation."
it paused to scratch the base of a head feather. "i myself am mooba. my kind are respected throughout the universe as the finest of translators. i must tell you that the xxlepis ship has been moored12 at the edge of your solar * for a year now while i've been studying your languages and customs on their behalf. i know all there is to know about all of you, in my humble opinion."
the president smiled halfheartedly, "should i find that comforting?"
mooba brightened, "of course. because i'm thorough i rarely make mistakes." he shrugged13. "i'll admit to a few, but none that wasn't rectified14. i'm sorry to *rm you that yours is not the only species i considered for contact on this planet. there are some others * appealing, but yours is the most intel*t. and yours is also the only species believing themselves in charge."
the president's eyebrows15 lifted at such a statement.
mooba continued, "for purposes of decorum, tomorrow i will teach you about the xxlepis." his top feathers suddenly stiffened16. "be forewarned. although highly evolved intellectually, the xxlepis are emotionally fragile and quick to perceive imaginary insults if decorum isn't carefully followed. they're quirky that way--easily offended. and if you offend them you will not reap the benefits they can bestow18."
"fair enough" the president agreed, but his expression was one of puzzlement.
the conversation was over.
day two
wednesday, june 16
the next day two soldiers were sent to escort mooba back to the white house, but he wasn't on the *ship. instead, when the president with his staff and secret agents arrived at the meeting room, mooba was already there. without anyone noticing, he had left the *ship, slipped through a ring of military, a mob of reporters and white house staff to find the secured meeting room no one had told him about the day before. it unnerved the president and particularly his secret agents.
standing at the back of the room mooba waited for *ryone to get settled. then he abruptly19 began, "the first thing to do when introduced...is to bow. some of your human cultures already practice that formality. and the second thing after bowing... is to do nothing." he paused for emphasis. "it's best, sir president, to allow me to do all the talking, particularly in the beginning. the xxlepis themselves rarely speak because words to them are sacred. they beli* that by saying less, what is said increases in value. so speaking only at the end of a conversation is a sign of respect. of course, in my humble opinion, that makes for very short conversations." it was hard to tell if mooba was joking so no one laughed.
the alien continued. "the xxlepis find it difficult dealing with other cultures, so they take great care to insulate themselves. in addition to being their translator i serve as a filter to shield their refined sensi*lities--but still i must be accurate and complete. not an easy job, in my humble opinion. the xxlepis are emotional, you see. despite all their sophistication, they just want to be loved and they can't handle rejection20. i think you humans can appreciate that." he watched as one of the staff arose and walked to a table at the side of the room pouring himself a cup of coffee.
"what's that?"
"the president smiled. "it's coffee, a common b*rage21. and there's also donuts. would you like some?"
mooba's top feathers twitched22 excitedly. "certainly." he stepped quickly across the room and to *ryone's surprise gulped23 down a whole carafe24 of hot coffee. then he grabbed s*ral donuts. returning to the front of the room, he noisily smacked25 his lips. powdered sugar from the donuts had somehow ended up on his chin. it was a comical sight that *ryone politely ignored.
"that was tasty," he said, "in my humble opinion. now, let me explain * about the xxlepis. having *ed the mysteries of science and technology, they have returned to the arts, particularly their poetry. they are on a quest for new forms of expression. for example, the 20 ways an elephant calls to its young or the 59 words the eskimos use for snow. whether or not a language is written or spoken is of secondary importance. the xxlepis take pleasure in converting all manner of creature communication into just the right word with a precise meaning and contextual flavor to be used in their poetry. so they traverse the universe in search of communication to define new words because, to them, only words have true value. personally, i think it's because words convey emotions."
"speaking of value..." mooba stopped mid-thought. "ah... could i have * coffee?"
"sir, there's no * coffee," said one of the agents addressing the president.
the president waved his hand. "well then, please get another carafe. it'll only take a minute."
the agent left the room. through the door, which had not fully17 closed, squeezed a short, rotund basset hound. it went immediately to the president wagging its tail while casting side-glances at mooba.
"hi there, sally," the president gently stroked the dog's back. "mooba, this is my dog. she just had puppies four weeks ago. what do you think of her?"
mooba was quite interested, particularly when sally left the president to approach him, her tail still wagging. he bent29 over so that his face was almost l*l with the dog's and she licked the sugar off his chin. his head feathers danced wildly. "i like her," he said and then made a noise somewhere between a bark and a whine30. it startled *ryone in the room, but sally woofed in response.
suddenly, the agent with the coffee appeared. "here's the coffee, sir."
at that point sally was let out of the room. mooba drank * coffee, after which he continued instructing the president.
"as i was saying, concerning value it's things that have no price that are worth the most to the xxlepis. things such as honor or knowledge or joy. that's because emotions, or the intangible, offer infinite possi*lities for new words of shading and intensity31. when a thing has a price, its value is already set, defined and limited according to the xxlepis. so instead of price, value for them is in how many words a thing inspires."
"but as for emotions...the xxlepis fell in love with the drugans on the planet phizell because they're always laughing. they have 32 words for 'giggle32'. the xxlepis were so thrilled with this that they made fools of themselves, showering them with half our gifts." he frowned. "i had an awful time convincing them to leave that planet."
rolling his eyes, the little alien continued.
"unfortunately, your culture values things * than words. that's what i learned from your television and radio signals. for example, when a commercial says a car has a soul, where does that leave a man? in order to add value to a thing, you've stolen a word meant only for living beings and devalued it. and in devaluing that word you've devalued yourselves. the xxlepis would n*r understand and it's better that they not know about it. in my humble opinion."
mooba patted a tail feather. "on the other hand, your world's libraries are filled with books and are an endless resource for poetry and great writings. human beings are capable of deep thought and intense emotions and some have a desire to define them. it is these writings that will appeal to the xxlepis and they will reward you beyond imagination. as long as they remain on this planet they will bestow gifts, so it's to your benefit to please them. that's all i can say."
he bowed and the meeting was abruptly over.
day three
thursday, june 17
the introduction of the xxlepis was set for noon. although it was an unusually overcast33 day, that hadn't stopped a huge crowd from forming. at two minutes to 12:00 the president and four secret agents walked slowly up the red carpet and stopped 20 feet from the craft.
with the opening of a large door, a strange green mist emanated34 from the craft. then a long and gently sloped ramp35 slid out upon which mooba exited. the murmuring crowd hushed as three figures emerged from behind him. the figures were nearly s*n feet tall, rather thin, and covered entirely36 in grey-green flowing robes and hoods37. * than anything they resembled gregorian monks38, but it was how they moved that was startling. although there was not a breath of wind, their robes rippled39 fluidly and they appeared to pour across the 20 feet coming to rest alongside mooba and in front of the president and the agents.
mooba's high voice spoke26 into the multitude of microphones set up by reporters and it sounded over the pa *. "members of planet earth, i am pleased to introduce you to the xxlepis. and, they in turn are very pleased to meet you." as he said this the three beings bowed deeply as did the president and his agents.
mooba continued, "supreme40 commander, president of the united states and all citizens of earth, i am pleased to *rm you on behalf of the xxlepis that today they would like you to accept this gift that they offer you without reservation." withdrawing something from a hidden pocket, mooba handed it to the president.
accepting the object, which fit into the palm of his hand, the president bowed again. "thank you."
seeing the three xxlepis nodding from beneath their hoods, mooba added, "the xxlepis thank you, too."
the crowd roared their approval and the first meeting was over.
days four - twenty
friday-sunday, june 18-july 4
when the gift was examined, scientists were astounded41. the president had been handed a container that turned out to hold bacteria from a distant planet. because these bacteria could manufacture any mineral, the xxlepis had cultivated and refined it for multiple purposes. specifically in humans, once ingested the bacteria became sym*otic42 with living cells and went about curing deficiencies. the resulting good health was *aculous43 and the closest thing to a fountain-of-youth elixir44 that humanity had *r experienced. further*, the bacteria were easily reproduced.
the president wished to reciprocate45 with a gift of equal value and at mooba's recommendation commissioned a compendium46 of sacred writings to be compiled in their original languages. mooba assured him that as a gift, this would be a delightful47 surprise for the xxlepis. it was an am*tious * requiring scholars of *ry religion and the united nations was appointed to coordinate48 it. all nations agreed that no amount of money or effort should be spared to have the gift ready for the next meeting with the xxlepis.
mooba hadn't anticipated the effect the xxlepis would have on their hosts. * became like children at christmas. while the xxlepis's gift of health was reproduced en mass, that was just the beginning.
*rything had to be xxlepis-related. to accommodate the demand, manufacturers broke all records (nearly those of physics) to get out a plethora49 of products. overnight gregorian monk's garb50 became the fashion craze, gray-green the most popular color until monday when pastel-greens were introduced followed closely by polka dots. people were dressing27 their ba*es and pets in robes with cowls. xxlepis gray-green began showing up on toys, dish ware51, buildings. if imitation is the highest form of flattery then the xxlepis should have been flattered indeed.
commercials advertising52 xxlepis products had but one theme, life was better with xxlepis whether you wore xxlepis clothes or sat on xxlepis furniture. the inference was, so long as you had xxlepis you were a somebody with something. unfortunately, the opposite inference was also true, for without xxlepis you were considered a nobody with nothing.
the irony53 was not lost on mooba who watched commercialism turn the xxlepis, a race of beings who loved the nonmaterial, into the *ggest name brand of all time.
day twenty-one
monday, july 5
when the president and his staff appeared at the *ship on monday noon it was before a vastly different-looking crowd. although a hot july day, the majority was wearing hooded54 robes, waving signs and holding banners that said, "xxlepis rocks!"
this day, upon exiting the craft, the three xxlepis did not immediately bow. although their faces couldn't be seen, it appeared that from beneath the cowls they were turning their heads to examine the crowd. watching them, mooba's head feathers stiffened noticeably and he frowned.
this time it was the president who came bearing a gift. the president proudly offered the huge book heavy with gold leafing that one of the xxlepis gingerly accepted, grasping it with long fingers while the other two xxlepis stretched forward for a closer look. their grey-green robes cast a greenish hue55 over the book.
"please accept this gift from *," said the president, his voice trembling. "over 300 of our finest scholars assembled it from our sacred writings."
translating, mooba looked pleased.
caught up in the moment and almost as an afterthought, the president added, "millions were spent. with its parchment and gold leafing, it's the most expensive book *r *d."
mooba's head feathers quivered the moment the president said the most expensive book *r *d. he didn't look pleased. he stopped translating and stared at the president. "ah, sir president, in my humble opinion..." he interrupted, but his warning went unheeded.
"go on. tell them," the president urged and mooba complied.
the reaction was immediate28. shoving the book back at the president, which he almost *ped, the three xxlepis, murmuring bubbling-clicking noises, whipped about and swept back up into the *ship faster than anybody thought they could move. mooba followed as closely behind as his spindly legs allowed. pausing at the ship's doorway56 he turned and shrugged as though apologizing just before the metal door slammed shut with a thud.
the president and crowd, indeed the whole nation and all of earth were stunned57. they felt like children awakening58 christmas morning to discover that their presents had been stolen.
there was no further contact with the xxlepis although vigorous attempts were made using a pa * as well as radio and television waves and banging on the *ship doors. now nobody anywhere talked about anything except the xxlepis and why they had so abruptly left the gathering59. earth commiserated60.
day twenty-two
tuesday, july 6
early tuesday, without ado, the huge *craft gently lifted into the morning air and disappeared.
it was then mooba sought admittance to the white house, shocking *ryone because they thought he had left along with his alien employers. escorted to the president's oval office, mooba's head feathers began to wave as he moaned sorrowfully. "in my humble opinion, my job is just too difficult."
the president agreed without knowing why as mooba sat down on a chair. a couple of agents approached to stand behind him. "it's my fault. i thought i'd made you understand, but i was wrong. you meant only to impress when you said the book cost millions to *. but as soon as you gave it a price, in the eyes of the xxlepis you declared it useless. they were insulted and horrified61. they couldn't leave fast enough."
he hesitated and then glared at the president as if to suggest he did share responsi*lity. then mooba sighed. "it's my humble opinion that they'd n*r have understood your species anyway."
"well then why are you here?" the president was incredulous.
suddenly the little alien smiled. "because unlike the xxlepis, i don't care about words or meaning or money. except in the performance of my job, of course. i'm due for a vacation and i'd like a little fun." before agents could stop him he had jumped up and moved to the president's desk grab*ng sour lemon candies from a dish. popping them into his mouth he made slurping62 sounds.
the statement was so ridiculous the president had to laugh. "you mean a permanent vacation? apparently63 they're n*r coming back."
mooba grinned knowingly as his head feathers twitched. "on the contrary. i've been with the xxlepis 120 years and don't you think that if anybody should know what they're doing and why they're doing it, it would be i? that's my humble opinion. as for selecting your species, i've had second thoughts. but don't worry, sir president, the xxlepis will be back. before their ship left i put a puppy on board."
he popped another sour lemon candy.
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