【原创】刘晓伟老师—中考英语写作精彩点评与修改（一）
2009中考大战迫在眉睫，很多学生和家长都希望在剩下的两个多月里争取在英语有所突破，我本人在周日下午的课*多也只能向20多人学生面授中考写作课程，为了能让更多的学生和家长受益，我把利用课余时间帮助学生修改的作文全部登出来，每篇文章都附有点评和原文修改。希望大家能避免一些常见的错误，多使用一些地道的短语和句式，为自己的中考之路添加更多的信心和实力。
作文题目：
五晚你父母都出去了，只有*和你在家，你在客厅里看电视而*在他屋里看报纸。突然你听到*屋里有什么动静，当你推*门，惊讶地发现*正躺在地上，失去了知觉。于是你立即拨打了120。*让*平躺，打开了窗户。就在这时医生来了。一位医生说你做的对，救了*的命。请根据提示以"an unforgettable night"为题，写一篇80字左右的短文。
作文修改如下：
先表扬一下：内容都写到位了，关键在于组织。
急需改进的地方：
1. 正确的语法结构。
2. 几个简单合并成复杂句
3 前后句子的连贯性。
4 一定要分段。
i have an unforgettable night on last friday. because i saved my grandpa’s life. (i had an unforgettable night last friday because i saved my grandpa's life.)
last friday, my parents were not at home, and i watched tv in living room. my grandpa was watch news* in his room. (将几个简单句合并更好一些，可以写成：my parents were not in on the very night. i was watching tv in the living room while my grandpa was reading news* in his bedroom.)when i walked in his room, i find he had lost consciousness. (*好用双宾语结构：find * doing sth. 可以写成：when i walked into his room, i found him lying on the ground and lost his consciousness.) so i immediately called 120, put he lay and opened the window. (不成句子，是个硬伤。可以写成：without hesitation, after putting him on the bed and opening the window, i immediately called 120.) in this time, doctor came. a doctor said i had a good job, and i saved my grandpa’s life. (将几个简单句合并更好一些，可以写成：at last, the doctor arrived, who told me that i had done a good job of saving my grandpa's life.)
what an unforgettable friday!!
(what an unforgettable night!)
恭喜你能坚持写完，并能看完这篇被我修改的文章。这样的人不多，你是这个班第二个这么做的，所以我要对你说：你很棒！能想象你以后很牛很牛的的样子。继续努力！
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